Real talk though.

How do unemployed people play?! Like where is the money coming for them to keep playing, gambling, eating out, pay rent, etc? And I know he’s not collecting unemployment right now, so where the fuck is the money coming from?! 

Food for thought. 

Second week of work is over.

What a week, what a week.

I just gotta say that being a working adult is no fun. Seriously, I just want to go back to them young carefree days. No responsibilities, nothing. 

To think that I will be a working professional for next 30+ years is a lil bit depressing…haha. Maybe my outlook will be better once I start making a higher salary, the right job, and I don’t have to commute along with other things, but as of now, god damn…it’s only the beginning. 

Same shit, different day. Sigh. 

And let me just say and FUCK TAXES. LOL. Taking 30% of my motherfcking measly paycheck. I can’t do jack shit with the money I’m making! I have to pay for my 2 credit cards, school loan, and give my dad $500 to help out with the property tax, utilities, etc, give my mom some allowance. Its like what money do I have left in the end?! NADA. NO DINERO LEFT. Sigh, lol. I wouldn’t be saying this if I was making a certain amount of money, but because this is an entry level job, the salary is not that great. Just gotta work hard and move on up to bigger and better things. 

First week of work is winding down… Thank God it’s Friday tomorrow. 

Here are some thoughts:

  • Fuck traffic. I spend about 2.5 hours in traffic every single day. 
  • I have officially become a grandma. I usually don’t stay up past 10 anymore.
  • My coworkers are nice and chill. Since they all speak Korean so well, hopefully my Korean language skills will expand too, LOL.
  • I can tell my eyes are going to get worse as I stare at numbers, papers, and the computer screen all day.
  • Breakdown of my day: 12 hours spent at work/commuting; 3-4 hours of relaxing, check the internet,etc; 8 hours on sleep. I seriously have barely any time for myself. After I eat dinner, it’s literally almost time to go to sleep.
  • Balancing social/personal life and work life is difficult, especially with the commute. I won’t go out Monday through Thursday unless it’s really important. LIKE RIDICULOUSLY IMPORTANT. It better be a god damn good reason for me to sacrifice some of my free time after work for you. LOL.
  • Which leads me to my relationship….. HAHA. At this rate, I’ll be seeing my boyf once a week on the weekend, and at most twice during a week. That’s fine with me. Right now, I’ve put this relationship on the back burner right now. I just have too much shit going on and I’m still trying to get settled down with this work/commuting thing. Maybe I really do need to break it off, because I really don’t have time to deal with a relationship right now nor do I have the patience. 
  • I get annoyed, grumpy and pissed easily. If I didn’t have to wake up early and commute, I’d be dandy and happy. But nope. This sitting in traffic thing got me all worked up. I will fucking snap at you, if you say something that I don’t want to hear. My dad got the brunt of it, the other day. I know…I’m bad. :/
  • I need to decorate my cubicle.

So after thinking and talking it over with some friends, I may call it quits or ask for some space/time. I’ll probably do the latter.

I just think we are on two different paths. I’m finally starting my life, and he’s going through some weird uncertain phase. And I really disagree with his pursuit of poker playing; there’s just too much instability with relying on poker to make a living. I know he told me to be by his side and support his decisions for the next few months or so, but I don’t know if I can handle the stress of it. Hearing that you lost $2000+ in a span of 6 hours from poker playing when you don’t have income coming in is very worrisome. I don’t know how much he thinks $2000 is, but to me it’s a lot. Of course it’s good news if you win, but what are the chances that you will come up and win all the time. It’s not about the money or him being unemployed, it’s the fact that he’s choosing to pursue poker while being unemployed. That’s my problem. Of course he can do what he wants as it is not my money. And no, I’m not worried that he won’t be able to pay for stuff when we go out. I pay for things as well when we go out.

I just don’t think we have the same outlook about life and the future, careers, etc. He lives for the now/the moment, instead of the future. As much as you want to do things that you couldn’t before, you still gotta think about the future and make careful decisions. I would love to live for the moment as well, hell I would spend all my savings to just travel! But that’s just not realistic right now. 

At this point, I feel like I’m just in a meaningless relationship, as bad as it sounds. I honestly feel like I’m not getting anything out of it. 

I would think that when you reach your late 20’s you would have a little bit of your life figured out or have your shit together, but clearly not all people are like that. Or maybe I’m just fucking psycho and have crazy expectations. LOL. I don’t know.

NOW. My only problem is when do I tell him? I’ll most likely be seeing him this Sunday when he comes back from Vegas (again -____-), or wait until after the 6th aka his 28th birthday. 

And honestly, I don’t want to date a gambler. That’s all. And let alone a guy who got fired from his job. It’s one thing to hate your job, but at least don’t get fired. Like seriously?! Goes on to show what his true work ethic is like. It’s a good thing my parents don’t know about him because they will not be happy when they ask of what does he do? My answer: Oh he gambles and he just got fired from his job. YEAH. NO WAY. HAHA. And my momma told me to never ever date a gambler, cause it will create problems. LOL. And look at where I am now, hahaha. Momma knows best. 

Clearly if I’m ranting and writing all this shit, it’s not meant to be. But of course, I need to talk to him first before making some sort of decision.

This shit is long, LOL. If you made it this far, I applaud you. Thank you for reading my rant or whatever this is. 

Uncertainty.

Once my precious vacation is over next Monday and I delve in the full-time working world, things are going to be way different.

I can already tell I will be one cranky ass bitch because 1) I have to wake up at the butt crack of dawn every morning for work and 2) I will be sitting in traffic to and from work. 

But what is really uncertain is how my relationship with the boyf is gonna work. Now that he is unemployed, he has all the free time in the world to pursue his poker playing. I don’t necessarily think pursing poker to make a living is a smart idea, but hey I won’t stop you. You do you, even if it means the relationship may have to end,

Next month is a crucial month. I think it will give me a better idea of whether or not this relationship is worth it or not worth it. I’m just trying to stop myself from becoming too invested because the more feelings you have and the more invested you get, it will be tough to break it off. 

Another thing that is worrisome, is that it seems like he hasn’t really thought about much about his future. He’s turning 28 next month, and I’m sure this is the period where you think about your career goals, life, marriage, etc. I’m not trying to get tied down to guy, but I just want to know where he stands in life and what he plans to do. I don’t know…I just feel like he enjoys the freedom and living the no commitment life, which kind of does makes sense his longest relationship has only been 1 year or less (I forget). 

Ahh, I don’t know. I know I shouldn’t be speaking so soon and doubting the relationship, but if it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t. Yes, I’ll be sad and heartbroken, but I’m still young. And at least I will have learned from this relationship. 

Guys do your make your life complicated sometimes. LOL. 

I have decided that I will be going to Coachella next year. 

I need to experience it at least once while I’m still young and I think next year is the perfect time and opportunity! 

January needs to come faster so I can purchase my ticket! AHHHHHH!!!  

Job search is over (for now).

I have been offered a full-time a job at a finance company! 

It was long long process. One hell of a year, with a lot of ups and down, but a vast majority of downs. 

I think the breakdown I had a few weeks led to me this high I am at right now. I just broke down crying because I seriously felt like I was going no where in life, like I wasn’t making any progress at all and was just a complete utter failure. So I reached out to my Big Sis to talk things out and Guru Suzy came to the rescue. I talked things out with her about where I stand in life and she gave me some good tips. 

I then got a phone call to come in for an interview for this job and I asked my best friend for some interview pointers and boy did it help. I walked out of that interview the next day feeling good. That was the first interview where I actually came out feeling really good and thought that I would have legit shot. And what do you know, I got another the call the next day to come in for a second interview. Thought the second interview went well too. Now it was was just a waiting game of hearing their final decision….yes or no. Waiting is seriously the most difficult thing ever. I was literally checking my phone every 5 minutes to see if I got the email or not. Then at 2PM I get an email with the title “Finance One-Offer Documents”. I was so fucking happy, but I had to contain myself as I was at work and didn’t want to burst the news yet. But I will be giving my 2 weeks notice tomorrow. I don’t know how they will respond but, I gotta move on to bigger and better things. 

And I want to thank my friends for being there for me through this past year.  It wasn’t the best year, but sometimes you have to reach your low point to get right back up. But god bless ya’ll for always being so encouraging and giving tips here and there and for just always being there! Much love to ya’ll! <3 :D 

I’m happy. I don’t think I’ve been this excited in a long time. And I gotta say this is the best early birthday present ever! Gonna start my 23rd year of life on a good note! :D